Redemption Read online

  “I’m pretty sure that’s not what they’ve got in mind.” He assured her with a small smile. “Quite the opposite in fact. I think they’re going to train you to top, so you can let out some of your rage.”

  She was so taken aback by the idea that her jaw dropped. “Me? But...” She trailed off, with no idea what to say.

  “You can trust him.” He said seriously. “He knows what he’s doing.”

  “So why couldn’t he fix Gabriel?”

  “I don’t know, Princess.” He sighed heavily, taking a seat beside her at the breakfast bar. “I guess it was just too late for him. But you can ask Cal. He’ll tell you.”

  “I’m not sure about this.” Her hands shook and rippled the surface of her coffee. She let the mug go and hunched over.

  “Noelle, he’s the best at what he does and he told me he could help you. I trust him and you trust me. Is it so much of a risk to try?”

  “I just...” Tears began to roll down her cheeks and she didn’t even move to brush them away. “I’m scared, Jax. Gabriel was so alone...I don’t want to end up like him.”

  “And you won’t.” He promised, gathering her into him. “If you own it without letting it rule you, you’re already better than he was.”

  “I hope so.” She turned her face into his chest and he let her weep.

  Chapter three

  On Saturday they arrived back at the Manor at mid-morning. In the daylight Noelle could see that it was a spectacularly beautiful place. Edwardian architecture with pillars and large windows made an impressive facade, but her mind simply couldn’t fathom what went on within the elegant walls. As Jax pressed the doorbell she smiled slightly, thinking that the house suited the mysterious Cal Henway perfectly. On the surface he was a handsome man, but what lay beneath was anyone’s guess.

  “You returned.” Cal said when they arrived in his study and drinks had been served. It was a neutral statement, neither satisfied nor questioning. It was simply a fact. “I’m sure you must have questions, Miss Winters.”

  “A few.” She admitted and he nodded.

  “Then we’ll talk first.” He turned to Jax. “Mr Wilding, I’m not sure you should be here for this conversation. It’s going to be hard and Miss Winters will be here for several hours. You can either spend the time in one of our relaxation rooms, or you can return home and I will make sure she is safely delivered to you this evening.”

  “Noelle?” Jax deferred to her and she hesitated, torn between wanting him to stay and the knowledge that she really didn’t want him to see her falling apart again.

  “Maybe stay for a little while.” She compromised in the end. “If I haven’t come down in an hour, go home and spend the day doing something useful instead of babysitting me.” He looked like he was about to protest, so she forced a smile. “I’m sure I’ll be fine. You don’t have to stay.”

  “Okay.” He reluctantly agreed. “I’ll go and have some downtime in one of the rooms for an hour. If you need me I’ll be here.”

  “I’ll be fine.” She repeated, trying to sound certain. “I’ll see you later.” He kissed her forehead and left unhappily.

  “He cares for you a great deal.” Cal remarked when the door had closed behind Jax.

  “He does.” She agreed, frowning slightly. “I don’t know why. We’ve never...you know. I just find him physically comforting.”

  “You’ve never had sex?” He clarified and she blushed.

  “No. It’s just never been an issue between us. We sleep together all the time, but that’s all we do – sleep.”

  “I find that hard to believe.” It wasn’t accusatory in any way. He just shifted comfortably in his seat as though the conversation was just starting to get interesting. “He’s a red-blooded male. He clearly wants you. Are you sure he’s never pressed you?”

  “Gabriel was his best friend since they were kids.” She shook her head and got to her feet, moving to the window. The lawns to the back of the house were gorgeous, with flowering borders in a riot of colours. “He only died six months ago and Jax knows I’m damaged. He isn’t going to do anything until he’s sure I’m ready.”

  “Don’t you realise how selfish you’re being?” He asked mildly. “You’ve taken for granted that he won’t make a move on you, but that doesn’t dissipate his craving or desire in any way. Just because it’s a safe environment doesn’t mean it’s comfortable for both of you. Tell me, have you ever wondered what it must be like for him? Lying awake with you fast asleep in his arms and knowing there’s nothing he can do?”

  “That’s not fair.” She burst out, the realisation shocking her like she’d been doused in cold water. “He’s all I have.”

  “And why is that?” He moved to her side and they looked out at the gardens together. “Do you really have no-one else in your life, Noelle? No colleagues or friends?”

  “No.” She hugged herself, unaware she was doing so. “I never really got close to anyone at the school and then I lost my job. I lost everything when Gabriel died...my job, my colleagues, my purpose, my sense of self...it’s all gone. Everything changed.”

  “You must have met people outside work?” He pushed and she shook her head, even as the image of Sean crossed her mind. She didn’t think the barista at her local cafe qualified, however well they got on during their daily five minute exchanges.

  “I didn’t have the time or the money to go out socialising and, since Gabriel died, everyone that’s tried to get close to me has been all about the fame and the money. The only other person I spend any time with is Pastor James and he’s a busy man.”

  “And what about Jax?” He moved away to peruse the book shelves. “Doesn’t he have people to be with instead of you?”

  “He spends a lot of time with other people.” Angrily, she turned to face him. “I know I’ve been selfish, not realising what I was doing to him, but I’m not taking over his life. He’s his own man. He can do as he wishes.”

  “Not for as long as he’s in love with you.” Cal replied mildly. “You will always come first for him and it’s time you started realising it.”

  “He’s not-...” She started, but he gave her a direct stare and her face heated. She had been about to say that he wasn’t in love with her, but it was so obvious she didn’t know how she’d missed it. All these months of being there, of the midnight phone calls and the hours of crying into his shoulder. The way he let her sleep with him, the way he always tried to make her smile when her world had descended into the grey...that was way above and beyond simple friendship. How could she have missed it? “I’ve been a bitch, haven’t I?”

  “No.” He smiled. “You were surviving. You needed comfort, so you went to where you could get it. Thinking too closely about the mechanism of it would have destroyed the haven you had built.”

  “So why tell me now? Why break my haven?” She wished they’d never had this conversation. It felt like her safety net had been pulled from beneath her feet.

  “Because you need to be honest with yourself if you want to walk down this path. It’s not the kind of lifestyle that’s conducive to self-misunderstanding. You have to know what drives you, know where your limits are. There is no room to lie to yourself here.” He let his words sink in, silently giving her time to compose herself.

  “Tell me why you couldn’t save Gabriel.” Her voice was quiet and he could see that she was trembling, but the tilt of her chin was determined.

  “He was too afraid of his own fear.” He sat down in his favourite plush velvet armchair and gestured for her to take the one opposite him. “His fear of being controlled was crippling. You have to understand, Miss Winters, that this lifestyle is incredibly structured and regimented. Before any play commences, all participants must sit down and hash out exactly what their boundaries are and where they lie. The Dom may do to the Sub whatever he or she wishes, within those boundaries. That is one of the main differences between fetish and abuse. Gabriel couldn’t cope with being confined by invisible bou
ndaries.” He leaned forward, almost pinning her to the chair with the directness of his gaze. “Furthermore, his fear caused him to lie to himself.”

  “In what way?” She forced the words up through her dry throat, afraid of the answer she was about to hear.

  “No man can spend any amount of time around this lifestyle and not know that the true power lies with the Sub. However gifted a Dom is, the Sub always has the power to end it. Gabriel knew that to achieve true control he had to submit, and he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it. And that’s what made you, Miss Winters, so very, very dangerous.” Sitting back in his chair, he lifted his cup of coffee from the coffee table to his right and swirled the dark liquid around, pensively gazing into it.

  “I don’t understand.” She faltered. How was Gabriel’s inability to submit related to her being dangerous?

  “He didn’t choose you by accident.” He set the cup down again, without drinking. “If it was about dominating and controlling someone, he would have had a trained Sub in his play room. But he didn’t. He chose you. He wanted somebody naive enough to allow herself into his play room without insisting on the standard agreements and protections, somebody that didn’t know any better. Perhaps he thought you were naive enough not to understand the position of power he’d placed you in by giving you a safe word. Look at yourself, Miss Winters.” His lip curled, not in derision but something akin to it. “You are so sweet and wholesome. How could you have understood the machinations of the abyss? You were not of this life.”

  “So maybe he didn’t meet me by accident.” That sensation in the early days of being sure she knew him from somewhere came flooding back, chilling her. Had he been following her? “What’s your point?” She gripped her hands together to stop the shaking, but she knew her breath was coming too fast. She had a sense of impending doom, like a freight train was crashing towards her too fast for her to move. Her chest was tight and constricted with fear.

  “My point is that he looked at you and realised that, for the first time in his life, he loved someone enough to hand over control. If you had used your safe word, he would have walked away and he knew it. He would have given you that power over him and that knowledge was enough to break him.” He sighed. “Put yourself in his shoes, Noelle. This man, with his fear of being controlled so absolute that it choked his every waking thought, wanted you. Yet he feared above all else that one day he would do something that would cause you to cry out your word and it would all come tumbling down around him like a house of cards. The alternative was too difficult to contemplate – a life without you in it, devoid of joy or anything meaningful. His obsession with you swallowed him whole, feeding his demons until there was no way out.” He sighed again, more heavily this time. “I suspect somewhere, deep in his subconscious, he chose you, knowing that it would eventually lead to his suicide.” She gasped, but he seemed too mesmerised by the tears that trembled on her lashes to notice. “Imagine living under the burden of all that damage for so long...” He shuddered. “It was too hard to live, but he could not die without a cause, and what cause could be more worthy than love?”

  “Are you saying he used me as the instrument of his suicide?” She could not, would not accept it.

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying. And a man that damaged?” He shook his head. “That, Miss Winters, is why I could not save him.”

  “You’re wrong.” Too agitated to remain still, she leapt to her feet and paced up and down the rich Aubusson rug. “He wouldn’t have chosen me as a deliberate means to an end. There were too many factors...too many things that could go wrong. This is not some neat little Shakespearean tragedy.”

  “Not as many as you might think.” He disagreed. “Think about it – you were sweet, naive and inexperienced. He was utterly smitten with you. It would not have been that difficult to make you say your safe word, and you only had to say it once to push him over the edge.”

  “He just didn’t seem that unbalanced.” She shook her head. “He always seemed so in control, so full of life.”

  “So do you, Miss Winters.” He responded quietly. “So do you.” Leaving her to think about that, he got up and went to his desk, picking up the phone. “Can you send Blue up, please?” He asked whoever answered and hung up, without waiting for a response.

  “Who’s Blue?” She wasn’t that curious, she just wanted to break the screaming silence in her head.

  “Blue is one of the best Doms I employ. With a little more notice I could have trained you myself, but I trust him absolutely.”

  “What is he going to train me for?” She asked nervously, still not sure what her role in this kind of therapy was.

  “Whatever it takes to stop the nightmares.” Cal shrugged expansively. “There are no limits here, except those we set for ourselves.”

  There was a quiet tap on the door and then a man walked in that literally took Noelle’s breath away. She thought Gabriel had been charismatic, but he had nothing on this man. He had to be at least six foot four of raw, primal magnetism. His presence seemed to suck the oxygen out of the room, like there wasn’t enough space for the air and his charisma to share.

  “Blue, this is Noelle Winters. Miss Winters, may I present Master Blue.” Cal was studying her carefully and she forced her lungs to expand.

  “Hi. Nice to meet you.” She forced a smile and fought the urge to bolt as he strode towards her.

  “Oh no, the pleasure is all mine.” He purred, rolling the word ‘pleasure’ out of his mouth like silk rippling over velvet. He moved around her, studying her still form as she held herself poised for flight. “I can definitely work with this.” He sounded amused as he turned to Cal. “She’s stronger than she looks.”

  “Hey, still in the room.” She muttered sourly, looking up and realising why he was called Blue. His hair was the most amazing colour she’d ever seen – pitch black with a blue shimmer, like moonlight on the ocean. There was no way it came out of a bottle.

  “Apologies, Miss Winters.” He still sounded amused and not sorry at all. “I am accustomed to being Master of all in my domain. You’re new to this, but you will learn.”

  “Then have fun.” Cal nodded to them both and grabbed his coffee, returning to his desk.

  That was it? Noelle stared at him, knowing she’d just been dismissed like an errant child. She then eyed the bronze giant waiting calmly for her with some trepidation. She was going to kill Jax when they got home. This was not cool. Not cool.

  “Are you coming?” Blue grasped the door handle and held the way open for her. With one last look at the clearly busy Cal, she sighed and nodded.

  “Yeah, I’m coming.” She followed him into the hallway and up a sweeping mahogany staircase. “This really is a beautiful building.” She forgot herself enough to remark. The Manor was outfitted to the highest standards. Everywhere, rich tropical wood glowed like it had been polished with sunlight. Brass chandeliers, hung with sparkling cut crystal, scattered light throughout the building, shining with opulence. The carpet beneath her feet was lush and thick enough to silence their footsteps.

  “Master Henway believes in investment.” Blue glanced back at her. “In people as well as properties.”

  “So I see.” She murmured, tracing a hand over the magnificently carved door Blue was holding open for her on the landing as she passed it. It must have cost a fortune. The club Cal had mentioned clearly paid well.

  “I hear you like to sub; is that true?” He asked, closing the door behind them. “Are you a switch?”

  “I have no idea.” She admitted, looking around with curiosity. It looked like a bedroom in a luxurious apartment block. The room was painted and furnished in neutral coffee tones, slashed through here and there with bright crimson in artworks and embroidery. The bed was a king-size four poster in solid carved oak that matched the door. It was stunningly beautiful. “I didn’t know that’s what I was doing for Gabriel and that’s not what I dream about.”

  “And what do you dream abou
t?” He was studying her again, moving around in that feline way that so reminded her of Gabriel the night of the concert when the beast had rolled in his soul. It sent shivers racing up and down her spine.

  “I dream about Gabriel, about tying him up and hurting him in the same way he hurt me.”

  “And how far have you got with Master Henway?”

  “What do you mean?” She frowned as she tracked his movement around her. “We just talk.”

  “No-one just talks with the Master.” He gave her a genuinely warm smile. “It’s of no matter. Please strip.”

  “Strip?” She squeaked, her face instantly flushing scarlet.

  “Don’t be embarrassed.” He tried to hold back his laughter. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before and there are some things you need to learn.”

  “I’m sorry, I can’t.” She crossed her arms and willed her legs to stop shaking.

  “Yes you can.” He came to stand before her, forcing her to look up into his eyes. “Miss Winters, this is entirely professional. I’ve been given the job of training you and I’ll do it to the best of my ability. Please don’t tie my hands behind my back.”

  “But why do I have to strip?” She tried not to whine, but it was so unfair. She’d been put through hell in the last six months and now she was shut in a room in some weird sex club with a man that looked like he wanted to eat her for breakfast. That said, she was of half a mind to let him. He was spectacular to look at. The hint of dark stubble shadowing that strong, masculine jaw made her want to lick his face.

  “Because there are things you need to learn and you can’t do that fully clothed.” He explained. “If it bothers you that much, keep your underwear on.” When she still didn’t move, he growled softly under his breath. “Miss Winters, if you don’t take your clothes off in the next five seconds, I’m going to do it for you.” Her breath caught as she gazed up at him. He was deadly serious and her heart rushed in her ears, making her dizzy. “Fine.” His hands were surprisingly gentle as they gathered the fabric of her top and began to raise it. “Unfold your arms, Noelle.”