Redemption Read online

  Redemption

  Darkness Falls

  Ivory Quinn

  Table of Contents

  Chapter one

  Chapter two

  Chapter three

  Chapter four

  Chapter five

  Chapter six

  Chapter seven

  Chapter eight

  Chapter nine

  Chapter ten

  Chapter eleven

  Chapter twelve

  Chapter thirteen

  Chapter fourteen

  Chapter fifteen

  Chapter sixteen

  Chapter seventeen

  Chapter eighteen

  Chapter nineteen

  Chapter twenty

  Chapter twenty-one

  Chapter twenty-two

  Chapter twenty-three

  Chapter twenty-four

  For those that held my hand

  as I walked the shadowed vale.

  You have my heart.

  Chapter one

  She came awake in the darkness, heart pounding and her skin flushed and damp with perspiration.

  “Noelle?” She jumped as Jax’s sleepy voice floated out of the darkness.

  “It’s okay; go back to sleep.” Sliding out of bed, she moved to the bathroom for a glass of water. Her throat was parched from breathing hard.

  “Was it another nightmare?” The bedside light came on and he blinked blearily at her as she stopped in the doorway.

  “Yes.” She quivered, fighting her body’s response to the memory of what she had been doing in her dreams.

  “The same one?”

  “Yes.” She bit the word out, angry at herself.

  “I wish you’d tell me about them.” He sighed. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong. Is it Gabriel?”

  “It’s always Gabriel.” Forcing herself to keep moving, she fetched a glass of water and sat on the edge of the bed, letting the cold liquid soothe her raw throat and jangled nerves.

  “Noelle?” Jax’s arms came around her, his legs on either side as he hugged her from behind. “Please talk to me.” He begged. “Tell me about the nightmares. Why isn’t the counselling helping?”

  “Because I can’t speak to her about it!” She blurted out and, once the floodgates were open, there was no holding back. “I’m sick, Jax. Sick. And I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t know how to tell anyone. You’ve all got it in your heads that I’m a sweet, good, kind person and I’m not. Not even close. You want to know what I dream about? I dream about hurting him the same way he hurt me. I dream about taking him to the playroom, chaining him up like a dog and violating him in exactly the same way he violated me.”

  “That’s natural.” Jax sounded confused. “Of course you’re going to be angry...”

  “I’m not angry!” She tore herself away from him and stood on the far side of the room, her arms wrapped protectively around herself. “I’m sick, Jax.” Her eyes widened as she swallowed tears. “Sick.”

  “It’s not sick.” He disagreed. “It’s a normal part of grieving.”

  “It’s not! And you know how I know it’s not? Because I like it.” She said fiercely. “I like hurting him. It gets me off. The more he screams, the closer I am to coming. It’s wrong and I know it’s wrong and I can’t stop it.” Turning away, she fled for the safety of the guest room, pushing the door closed behind her and slumping on the floor against it. She couldn’t be with Jax right then, couldn’t face the judgement she knew would be in his eyes. She was sick. She was twisted and messed up. She was losing her mind. She was turning into him.

  Chapter two

  “What is this place?” Noelle followed Jax up the stairs of a manor house on Millionaires’ Row. It was a beautiful part of the city and she’d eyed many of the buildings they’d passed with appreciation. The curtains of this one were all drawn and the building was silent. They were a good fifty feet from the street, separated from the traffic by a stone wall and some tastefully placed trees. It looked like the home of a very wealthy family.

  “You’ll see.” He seemed tense and uncomfortable, shifting awkwardly on his feet as he rang the doorbell and waited for an answer. Noelle hadn’t even heard a clang, but she didn’t comment. It looked like he’d been here before.

  “Jax, please tell me what’s going on.” He’d dragged her out of her home the minute the sun had set, without explanation, and brought her here. He’d been silent in the car and she hadn’t pressed him, assuming they were going for dinner or something.

  “I think this is someone that can help you.” He admitted softly. “The counsellor isn’t working and it’s beyond me, Noelle. This is the only other person I can think of that-...”

  “Mr Wilding!” The door swung open and a beautiful, young, brunette woman beamed out at him. “It’s been too long. Please, come on in.”

  “Hi Chloe.” He ducked his head and followed her into the building, checking that Noelle was following.

  “Are you here to make a request?” The brunette asked cheerily as she led them across a spacious and richly furnished hall, but Jax shook his head.

  “I was hoping to speak to Mr Henway, if he’s available.”

  “Take a seat in the drawing room and I’ll check.” She gestured to a door to their left and then, with a wink and a smile, she sashayed up the stairs. Noelle watched her with a faint envy suffusing her body. She’d never look like that – that slender waist and self-assured stride....there walked a woman who knew her place in the world, and it was clearly a beautiful place.

  “The drawing room?” She repeated, following Jax into something that might have come from a Jane Austen novel. “Who even has a drawing room?”

  “It’s more of a waiting area.” Jax slumped in one of the gorgeously upholstered chairs, looking strangely incongruous. The room didn’t suit him. His scruffy locks and rugged looks made him a shaker-style furniture kind of guy. This room was too opulent. It was with a pang of bitter sadness that Noelle realised Gabriel would have looked perfectly at home here.

  Tears pricking her eyes, she moved to a bookshelf on the far side of the room and started studying the spines, willing herself not to cry. She’d cried enough over the man that had broken her. There had been too many months of tears and nightmares.

  The door cracked open and, whatever Noelle had been expecting, the man in the three piece suit, complete with pocket watch and cravat, wasn’t it. He stepped into the room, followed by Chloe, and smiled at them.

  “Mr Wilding.” His voice was warm and deep as he greeted Jax. “What an unexpected pleasure. I was so sorry to hear of the loss of Gabriel. He was...an interesting man.”

  “Mr Henway.” Jax shook his hand and gestured to Noelle. “This is Noelle Winters. Noelle, this is Cal Henway.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Noelle walked across and politely shook his hand.

  “Likewise Miss Winters. May I say that the papers did not do you justice. You are an exquisite creature.”

  “I...uh...” She flushed scarlet. “Thanks.”

  “Would you like tea or coffee?” He offered. “Wine? Spirits? Perhaps something to warm the heart? The kitchens do an excellent mulled cider.”

  She glanced at Jax, who gave her a small nod, so she smiled. “Thanks, the cider sounds lovely.”

  “Excellent. And for you, Mr Wilding?”

  “I’m driving.” Jax said regretfully. “I’ll take a coffee please.”

  “Good good.” He turned to Chloe. “I’ll take a glass of the Chateau Musar. Can you have them taken to my study? I believe we’ll adjourn to somewhere more private to talk.”

  “Yes Master.” She rushed off and Cal led them up the stairs into a gorgeously appointed room that was half study, half library. Drawn again to the books, Noelle s
tudied the spines as the men exchanged small talk, waiting for the drinks to arrive. There were several first editions on the shelves that she knew must have cost thousands. Whoever this man was, he made Gabriel’s obscene wealth seem like a drop in the ocean.

  Chloe entered a few minutes later with the drinks, setting them down on a long, low coffee table in silence, before departing.

  “So what is it that I can do for you?” Cal leaned back in a wing-back armchair and studied Jax intently. “I assume this isn’t a social call?”

  “It’s Noelle.” Jax glanced at her, but couldn’t meet her eyes. “You know Gabriel’s...proclivities. Noelle was an innocent when he took her and now she’s having nightmares about him. The counselling doesn’t seem to be helping her. I thought you might be able to.”

  The older man’s gaze homed in on Noelle, unwavering in its intensity. “Tell me.” His voice was soft, but command rang through it, loud and clear.

  “She dreams about-...”

  “With respect, Mr Wilding,” Cal cut him off instantly. “I need to hear this from Miss Winters.”

  Noelle hesitated, not wanting to tell this stranger something so private, so deeply disturbing to her.

  “It’s okay.” Jax told her softly. “You can trust him.”

  She took a deep breath. “I dream about hurting Gabriel.” She said in a small voice and Cal went very still.

  “And?”

  “And I like it.” She swallowed, her cheeks heating almost painfully.

  “You like it.” It was neither question nor judgement, just a statement of fact. “Define ‘like’.”

  “I...” She faltered and her voice tailed off. She couldn’t bring herself to say it.

  “Miss Winters, Noelle, at this moment in time there are two things you need to know about me.” He pinned her with his gaze and she found herself unable to look away. “The first is that there is nothing you can say that will shock me. You will not be judged. You will not be mocked. You will be heard and understood. On that, you have my word. The second is that nothing you say will leave this room.”

  “Please tell him.” Jax urged quietly. “He can’t help you if he doesn’t know what the problem is.”

  “I...it...I just...” Her voice felt like it was strangling her. She closed her eyes and tried to control herself. Her stomach was roiling. “It turns me on.” She whispered, shamed and nauseous. “He’s made me into a monster.”

  “You’re not a monster, Miss Winters. Far from it in fact.” Cal said calmly, turning back to Jax. “I’m fairly confident we can work with this. Are you going to provide an external support network?”

  “Whatever she needs, she can have it without reservation.” Jax replied solemnly.

  “Good to know.” Cal nodded thoughtfully. “Would you mind giving us a few moments alone? There’s an empty room through that door.” He pointed over his shoulder and Jax rose to his feet, collecting his mug.

  “Not at all.” He gave Noelle a reassuring smile and left the room, pulling the door closed behind him.

  “Miss Winters, please take a seat and drink your cider.” Cal gestured to the chair in front of him and she was helpless to do anything but sit. Curling her hands around the mug, she inhaled the warm spicy scent and it made her throat close with sadness. The cinnamon and clove, mixed with citrus and apple...it reminded her too much of Christmas with Gabriel.

  He watched her for a few moments, as though formulating what to ask first.

  “Can you help me?” She asked to distract herself from the memories. “Jax didn’t say what you do. Are you a psychologist?”

  A smile flitted across his lips like a fleeting kiss. “No, Miss Winters, I’m not a psychologist.”

  “Then what are you? How can you help me?” She asked, confused.

  “Before I answer that, I want to ask you something and I expect an honest answer.” He paused until she nodded. “How do you feel about Gabriel now?”

  She blew out a frustrated breath. “It’s a concept that’s hard to put into words.” She sipped her cider, trying to make sense of her emotions. “I love him. I think part of me always will. I miss him desperately, despite what he put me through. It’s like the sun has been extinguished and I exist in shades of twilight.” She ran a finger around the rim of her mug. “I feel so angry. He opened Pandora’s box and I can’t put a lid back on it, however hard I try. He changed me and then he left me and I feel so lost and alone and scared because I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m angry that, even though he’s dead, he’s still controlling and dictating the shape of my life because I’m too weak to stop it.”

  “I’m hearing a lot of self-hatred in your emotions, but no anger actually directed specifically at him. Is that a fair assessment?” He seemed curious about this development and she had to pause again to try and put it into words.

  “I don’t hate him.” She said eventually. “I don’t even feel angry towards him. He couldn’t help being what he was any more than you can help having a sense of style. I feel immense sadness for him. I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving, for the man or for the boy. He was the product of his upbringing and I can’t hold that against him. I can’t even imagine what horrors he experienced.”

  “Don’t you think the same could be said for you?” He asked and she was stunned into silence for a few moments.

  “Well...no...it’s different.”

  “How?”

  “I...” She frowned, trying to find the words. “What happened to Gabriel was horrific. He has a reason to be damaged. I had a normal childhood. It doesn’t even compare.”

  “We’ll discuss that further.” His tone said that particular conversation was far from being over and she sighed inwardly. She hadn’t expected this peculiar brand of help to make her feel so defensive. “Tell me, Noelle, do you think that Gabriel’s childhood makes what he did to you right?”

  “No. Of course not.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because...” Her mouth opened and then closed as she realised the implications of what she was about to say.

  “Because?” He prompted gently and she shook her head, her eyes wide and hurt.

  “Because everyone has choices.” She whispered. “He was damaged and he knew he was damaged, but he still chose me, knowing that he would manipulate and break me. He could have chosen any submissive, but he didn’t. He chose me.”

  “You look shaken.”

  “I feel like everything I know is a lie.” Horror bloomed throughout her body. “The truth was there all along and I was too blind to see it.”

  “The truth?”

  “It was all deliberate. All of it.” Unable to sit, she set her mug on the table and got up to pace. “He knew that what he was doing amounted to abuse. We even talked about it once. He told me how he’d set me up to do something I didn’t want to do and I was too stupid to understand what he was saying. He told me he’d manipulated the way I thought and felt and I didn’t even realise that’s what he meant. I feel like such an idiot.” She shook her head again, incredulous at both his duplicity and what she had allowed to happen. “It was right there all along...I’m going to be sick.”

  “This way.” He leapt up instantly and showed her through to a bathroom, discretely pulling the door closed behind her.

  She retched helplessly as the memories of what they had done together assaulted her body. Her knees trembled on the cold tiles as she vomited what little cider she’d managed to drink, the relentless pounding of her memories blinding her with shamed horror. It was too much. Sobbing, she curled into the foetal position on the chilled floor and tried to forget.

  “Noelle?” Jax sounded like he was speaking from far away. “Is this a panic attack?”

  “Of sorts.” Cal sounded calm. “It looks like a flashback. You need to bring her back to the present.”

  “Noelle?” He sounded closer. Gentle hands lifted her upright and into his arms. “I’m here, Princess. Come back to me. No-one is going to hurt you ag
ain.”

  “Jax?” She heaved in a deep breath and he nodded, kissing her forehead.

  “It’s me. You’re safe. I’m here.”

  “I think she’s done enough for today.” Cal ushered them back into his study. “She should stay with you from now on. The next few weeks and months are going to be rough. I need to break her before I can put her back together again.”

  “This isn’t broken enough?” Jax gaped at him, but the older man shook his head solemnly.

  “Not even nearly enough, my friend. She’ll need a few days to mull this over. Bring her back here on Saturday.”

  “Okay.” Still carrying her, despite her protests, Jax took her down to the car and they drove away.

  ***

  “What was that place?” Noelle was sat at Jax’s breakfast bar the next morning in a pair of his old sweats. He thought she looked adorable in them, but her face was still pale and he knew she hadn’t slept the night before.

  “It’s a fetish club of sorts.” Jax shrugged, uncomfortable with the conversation. “I approached Cal for help with Gabriel back in the early days, but Gabe didn’t want to be trained. When it was obvious he wasn’t going to get better, they started providing us with experienced subs that would know how to handle him.”

  “What do you mean by trained?”

  He watched as her hands subconsciously tightened around her mug and wondered if she knew how much fear she was radiating. “Cal Henway is the most experienced Dom in the country. He and his staff train those who want to get into the lifestyle, both subs and doms. The better trained they are, the less chance there is of someone getting hurt. Cal is the best there is.”

  “Dom as in dominatrix?” Her heart was beating wildly in her chest and she could feel her skin flushing with a mixture of shame and anticipation.

  “Only women are called a dominatrix, but yes.” He conceded. “Same principle.”

  “I don’t want them to hurt me.” She said quietly, panic tingeing her voice. “Please don’t let them tie me up, Jax. I don’t think I could survive the memories.”